Flipping Through the Pages of 2009

What used to be the first page where my first semester schedule and a one-page calendar could be seen was replaced by a page where four post-its were stuck: one carrying a bibliographic entry for our thesis, another with a tally of the vouchers needed in TOMCAT budget, and two post-its carrying quotes on debate from Rocket Science. The cover and title page – and the succeeding first pages that comprised the first portion of my planner – were stuck together by an unknown glue which made it difficult to flip through the pages individually. Hence, the middle portion page of post-its became my 2009 planner’s welcome leaf.

School, TOMCAT, debate. Call it “cool”; these pages of post-its actually recapitulated everything that transpired in 2009: papers written, requirements completed, arguments delivered, productions managed, budgets computed. Above all, relationships built, friendships made, and connections rekindled.

2009: The Courage to Take Risks

“It’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams, than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you’re fighting for”

– Paulo Coelho

Bearing in mind my favorite quote from my favorite author, I said Yes (some said sweetly, some uttered bitterly) to almost all the opportunities that were offered to me in the latter part of 2008; which I have carried and enjoyed in the entirety of 2009.

Being in TOMCAT topped the list. Tapped by Ate Yam, I served as one of the heads of our organization – a drastic transformation from being a not-so-active and “phenomenal” member to a hyperactive and omnipresent one. With Ma’am Faye, Judy and Wado (and lately also with Sir Weng), we breezed through the challenges that beset our organization – one-day late notice of events management, Ma’am Ninia’s blend of sweetness and strictness, hectic tie-up projects, organization structure reconstruction, etcetera, etcetera. In the first day of my “headship” appointment and first activity organized by the new heads (that was, October 22, 2008 if my memory served me right) I was scolded at once by Ma’am Ninia in front of a number of people early in the morning, blabbering with her thick eyeglasses on, “Hindi kasi kayo sumusunod sa protocol! Negdedesisyon kayo sa sarili ninyo!” I shared this with Ma’am Faye upon talking to her on the phone in the middle of our activity – voice shaking, tears forming in the corner of my eyes, and thoughts of quitting the appointment looming in my head. However, this experience marked an important lesson which I carried throughout 2009: any project or activity, however small or big it may be, must be thoroughly planned and must undergo a process to be approved from top to bottom. Not only in school, but in real life as well. Planning would always be vital in life.

More “award days” followed – from Ma’am Ninia, Ma’am Faye, Ma’am Ninia and Ma’am Ninia. Thoughts of resigning from the position recurrently occurred to me. But I stayed, because I thought “Quitting is always an option, but at this point, it would never be a good one.” And I could not leave our organization because of the people who I have been with – my beloved TOMCAT family.

With "Disability" group during Pre-production for the combining of our documentary

Filipino delegates at the Chulalongkorn University during the first day

Said yes to opportunities, and the intercultural exchange project scheduled to be held in Bangkok answered back with a sweet Yes, too. We spent the last week of January in Bangkok for dCATCH (De-Centralized Transnational Challenges) where we combined cultural documentaries with fellow delegates from Thailand, Japan and China. At the end of each day, we bonded with new friends, went to new places, discovered new practices and minimally explored various cultures. On our last night, on our way to the airport, we did not want to come back yet – could we possibly hold the world’s clock even just for another day? My experience in dCATCH was among the most memorable (if not the most memorable) in 2009.

Meeting until dawn in Baang, Tomas Morato

I have never been in Tomas Morato until we went there in the midnight of August – not to party, but to continue our overnight planning. From the afternoon of August 20 when we started our meeting in EdTech, we shifted venue to Tomas Morato where we stayed in Baang until around 4 in the morning. We carried on our talk with coffee as our wake-up feed.

Seeing one another once again after being lost at Chatuchak

Revival of TOMCAT airing, production management, assemblies, workshops, planning meetings. It was an anticipated wave of events that became unpredictable and uncontrollable as weeks passed. But toxic works and breathless timetables were relinquished by the company that we had. We were the TOMCAT babies, with our big TOMCAT momma. It was the family that made each one think twice when thoughts of denouncing responsibilities occurred.

2009: Juggling Several Balls at the Same Time

The time that we were preparing for dCATCH coincided (as scheduled) with the annual debate series of ABDP 2009. Being both an accidental and incidental project head of the debate tournament, I had to attend to the processing of papers. Thus, in the beginning days of January 2009, I went to OSA with a folder of two sets of files: one for off-campus trip dCATCH and another for in-campus activity Hardline Stance. Year 2009 was a year of juggling several balls at the same time.

With one of the CA teams during the Hardline Stance 2009

“Baka kasi hindi ka nagno-No,” I remembered Gi telling me once during our petty talks. Yes, believing that Papa God would not give you challenges you would not be able to bear, I seldom said No to works given to me – may it be academic, co-curricular, or family affairs. My classmates would often notice my deep-set eyes that would go deeper and deepest that it could reach, going darker and darkest as my eyebags could get. Having been stressed and intoxicated, I gained weight; pimples came rushing back again.

I missed my “me times” – reading fictions and novels, writing stuffs and waking up as latest as I could. I would share my bad vibes with Joy, Jamie and Judy – droning on my tiredness and least recognized efforts. My July pages were dull and blank – it were the weeks of indecision, confusion and meaninglessness. Having gone through this, I learned the importance of prioritization and doing the things that your heart utmost desired – not simply doing things because you needed to do it, but because you wanted to do it. Work could ever be more significant – and learning would reach its highest potential – when you were having fun with it. True enough, God would never ever give you challenges you could not bear, but there would be times that he would challenge you with choosing from a set of opportunities to which you would focus your efforts upon.

Powerpuff Girls Ice skating fun in April

Multi-tasking became more difficult as I tried balancing my academics with my extra-curricular. However, I failed hanging onto my high-set standards and was not able to maintain dean’s list (DL) grades for two semesters. It was frustrating at first, because I was only tenth or hundredth decimals away from the considered Magna Cum Laude Latin honors range. Be that as it may, I was contented with what I have had. Honors would not equate to one’s character; it would not define a person. As what my classmate Me-ann once said during a recitation, “Grades are just numbers. It cannot really describe and define who you are.”

August, September and October were filled once again with post-its: both crossed out and unchecked to do lists.

2009: Coping from a Lost Love

Notes portion in my January page contained a quote derived from kuyakevin.blogspot.com: “Of course, love affects our emotions, but true love is much more than just the way we feel. In fact, true love is will cause us to do things we don’t feel like doing. True love will cause us to do the right thing, even when it is not easy (1 Cor. 13:6)”. I needed to drain the dregs of a lost love during the last days of 2008; wisdom pieces about love were omnipresent in my pages.

I had to admit, multi-tasking in 2009 helped to recover myself from loss and pain. But from the twinge caused by a failure in what I believed to be my moment to love, with a person who I believed was too early to come, I learned to how take risks. And to suffer the consequences of those risks.

2009: Omens towards a Destination

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”

- Matthew 7:7-11

Amidst confusion, I asked for a sign from God. He granted it. Inasmuch as He had answered my query, He would continuously lead my way. Not only this 2010, above all, in the remaining years that we would be having in this great world.

At the very least, I have had an idea where I would be going.

Swensen's with Momma Faye

Sembreak '09 threesome bonding in MOA Bay

Family swimming in Splash Island in April

It was a fruitful year. Days were as colorful as the pages of my planner – some were dark, some were bright; some were pale, some were strong. Memories of the past year came gushing as I read scribbles, write-ups and doodles. But my planner only served as guide and scrapbook for the year. For everything that happened, the places, times, experiences and people where, when and whom I shared moments together would be etched in my heart.

Blank pages of 2010 to be written on with faith, hope and love. Off to our treasures as we face another year – the end year of the first decade of the millennium. As Coelho put it, “Wherever your treasure is, there will be your heart.”

In general, any form of exercise, if pursued continuously,
will help train us in perseverance. Long-distance running is particularly good training in perseverance.

~ Mao Tse-Tung

---

Countdown to 2010. Last two hours of 2009.

Thesis Thoughts

A happy life consists not in the absence,
but in the mastery of hardships.

~ Helen Keller

---

Thesis is amongst the nightmares in a student's life. But if you try to place your heart on it, you will discover its usefulness and significance.

It's not simple a requirement, but a Test. A significant test.

Our thesis is starting to make sense to me. So late to dawn upon me. Oh so late.

The life and love we create is the life and love we live.

~ Leo Buscaglia

---

Boom. Pro-Life and Pro-Love in 2010.

Live.

I want to try something different.

Fly an airplane. Live in a skylab. Ride a space shuttle. Travel to another galaxy. Trip on a hot air balloon. Jump from a jetplane.

Travel to the moon. Take back home red soil from Mars. Walk bare foot on Saturn rings. Fly across solar flares.

Island hop on a balsa. Venture seas with a jetski. Do kayaking. Experience wakeboarding. Surf on big waves. Dive beneath ocean trenches. Gaze atop a volcanic activity.

Travel seas and visit places. Feel the American air atop the Statue of Liberty. Walk the height of the Eiffel Tower. Measure how the Tower of Pisa has leaned so far. Take a photo of the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Janeiro.

Walk hand-in-hand with a fellow in Paris streets. Sail across Venetian floats. Feel water sprinkles from the Niagara. Sit on top of the Stone Henge.

Explore Africa. Talk to Nelson Mandela. Discover India. See Mother Teresa, Pope John Paul II, Princess Diana and Michael Jackson.

Enter Egyptian Pyramids. Lean on the Great Walls of China. Watch a theatrical performance at the Sydney Opera House. Dip my toes on the waters of the Dead Sea and the Red Sea. Listen to the singing dunes in the desert.

Climb to the top of Mt. Everest. See Cherry Blossom Trees. Witness how Mt. Fuji changes its color to red. Experience peace rituals of Himalayan folks. Talk to Buddhist monks.

Let the snow fall on me. Talk whilst smoke coming out from my mouth.

Bury my body underneath Boracay sands. Measure the coolness of Baguio. Enter Palawan underground caves. Stay for a month in Amanpulo. Explore the Philippines from Batanes to Jolo.

I want to do what I have been doing - uncontrollably, limitlessly, passionately.

I want to try doing new things - curiously, free-willingly, fulfillingly.

Do belly dancing. Try pole dancing. Play the piano. Reach high pitches in songs. Sing with sopranos in a choir. Read scriptures during Eucharist.

Speak in public. Write poems, essays, articles. Argue sensibly.

Sleep. Eat. Breathe. Walk. Sit. Run. Hop. Jump. Laugh. Smile. Turn around.

Wanderlust. Travel.

Play. Sing. Dance. Write. Speak.

Live.

Obramaestra

Kapag ikaw ay tumutugtog
kasama ang isang banda,
isang orkestra,
- gumagawa ng musika.
Hindi mo pakikialaman ang himig
na ginagawa ng isa.
Iyo lamang pakikinggan ang tinig
ng iyong instrumento
- ang tono, taas, tining,
ang melodya, timbre.
Ang musika.

Kung ikaw ay nasa plawta,
ikaw lamang ay iihip.
Pakikiramdaman ang butas
ng mahabang bakal
na iyong pinakintab
bago ang musikang ginagawa.

Kung ikaw ay nasa piano,
aasikasuhin mo ang mga tiklado
- ang bawat kalabit ng mga daliri,
ang hampas ng mga kamay,
paa,
at braso.
Ang malamyos na letra ng himig
o ang nagagalit na ingit
dala ng iyong nagggagalaiting daliri.

Ang nasa biyolin
dinadantay ang instrumento
- malapit sa puso
kung saang nagmumula ang himig.
Ang pag-akyatbaba ng mga bisig,
ang paglangitngit ng mga naylon
sa makinis na plastik.

Paakyat-baba ang galaw ng plawta.
Kaliwa't kanan ang piyano.
Kung saan man ang biyolin.

Kapag ikaw ay tumutugtog
kasama ang isang banda,
isang orkestra
- gumagawa ng musika.
Hindi mo pakikialaman ang galaw ng iba.
'Pagkat kayo ay pare-parehong
gumagawa ng mga himig,
ng tinig.

Lumilikha ng musika
- isang obramaestra.

The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.

~ Mark Twain

It’s never too late to be
who you might have been.

— George Elliot

Upload of Realizations

Currently, I am waiting for the complete upload of our Christmas Party photos in TOMCAT - with EdTech - in Multiply. To break the gap between doing nothing and doing many things, I browse on Coelho Stories for Parents, Children and Grandchildren which I have found in the "Shared Documents" of our PC. I remember, I have downloaded this when Coelho has plurked about the limited free download of his works - including novels which have all been my favorite. This is among his works that I haven't read so far during that time, and so I have decided to seize the moment - and be like a hacker clicking tabs to penetrate portals of private letters and words.

Similar to Like the Flowing River, Coelho Stories for Parents, Children and Grandchildren contains random stories that mostly impart values to readers. And this is what I like most about Coelho - he has the ability to transport you into a utopia of values, dreams, and good things, conferring you the spirit of hope, willpower, and the ability to conquer the world.

***********

Before reading Coelho's work, I have chanced upon Karen's blog. I feel a dint of sadness upon reading her latest entry which states, "I am abandoning this temporarily".

Karen is among my few friends who I am utmostly comfortable sharing thoughts with. At some point, I guess, the wavelengths of our philosophy in life intersect - hers is among the blogs which I read first when I bloghop. Thus, upon seeing those words of temporary blog leave, I feel a little sad. However, it's just temporary. "When things fall back into place, I'll get back here in cyberspace," she hopefully says.

Dragging down the scroll bar a little farther, I read her entry about our first shooting for our documentary in SPU-QC. There, she has cited thoughts on pursuing law after our Communications degree. With willpower and determination, she wants to pursue the profession. Be that as it may, she has expressed a dash of uncertainty as to her reason on taking up law. I reserve her her reasons; my point is: She wants to be a lawyer. And she won't ever give up on her dream.

She is going to be back on her blog after a hiatus.

She has a heart of law. She will be a lawyer.

Only that, she has a smidgen of uncertainty in her heart. Because of fear? Vague speculations? Contradicting dictates of heart and mind?

Fear. Vague speculations. These are not hers, but mine.

**********

I have read this story in Coelho's work, titled "The Desire must be Strong":

A teacher took his disciple to a lake.

'Today, I'm going to show you what true devotion means,' he said. He asked his disciple to wade with him into the lake, then he grasped the boy's head and held it under the water.

The first minute passed. In the middle of the second minute, the boy was struggling as hard as he could to free himself from his teacher's hands and return to the surface. At the end of the second minute, the teacher released him. The boy stood up, heart pounding, gasping for breath.

'You tried to kill me!' he screamed.

The teacher waited for him to calm down and said: 'I wasn't trying to kill you; if I had been, you wouldn't be here now. I just wanted to find out what you felt when you were under the water.'

'I felt as if I was dying! All I wanted was to be able to breathe a little air.'

'Exactly. True devotion only appears when we have only one desire and we will die if we cannot achieve it.'


Karen's devotion is law. Her pipes for breathing are laws, logic and cases. My pipes for breathing are letters, words and events. My devotion is story-telling, story-writing, story-correlating. In academic terms, Journalism.

I know in my heart and mind that what I want is to be broadcast journalist - no more, no less. But I have fear and vague speculations.

Fear: because in a world where speaking out the truth guarantees you no safety other than death threats, being a journalist seem to be a dreadful profession. Vague speculations: my dreams are so high, so big, so vast. I standing on the North pole of the Earth: that's how small I think I am as compared to the dream that I have in my heart and mind. How do I can be as big as the world of my dream? Again, no guarantees.

But as the teacher in the story says, "True devotion only appears when we have only one desire and we will die if we cannot achieve it." Given my utmost desire for the craft - and the dream that I have in mind - I guess death is the abyss where I am going to fall to if I don't achieve what I want.

The water where my Teacher will be holding my head under - that seems so near. It is so near. This is not a mirage anymore. It is already the oasis. But it is in that oasis where my desire is going to be tested. How long will I be able to hold my breath?

As long as I can. So long, and I can.

More important than talent, strength,
or knowledge
is the ability to laugh at yourself
and enjoy the pursuit of your dreams.

~ Amy Grant

The Wish that will Come True

I make a wish,
a hope,
a dream.
That a day will come
when we will all pack
our bags together
and say goodbye to our home
for a while.

When we will divest our worries and nightmares
and sit on white and pink sands
to watch the sunset
- sipping fruit juice,
breathing fresh air
listening to good melody.

When we will ride on crazy mobiles,
shout our hearts out,
thump our feet,
and laugh on our insanities
thereafter.

When we will see the tallest buildings,
witness the brightest lights,
and pleasurably gaze
at the most beautiful skylines.

When we will conquer the heavens altogether.
And tell the world,
"Nothing is impossible. As long as you keep on dreaming.
So long as you keep your faith within
- and believe."

TOMCAT Smiles

The smiles on their faces outshine the luster of the lights behind.

TOMCAT Production Staff during the Christmas Concert 2009 Gala Night.

There's a Big Fire Near Us

"Ang laki ng sunog sa P. Noval. Baka may mga estudyante tayo doon," Ma'am AA exclaimed as she entered the Tan Yan Kee building. Riding the elevator with her, I asked, "Malapit lang po Ma'am?" She responded with a dint of inaccuracy, "Mukhang. Ang laki ng smoke e."

She dislodged from the elevator upon reaching the 2nd floor. I continued my way towards the 4th, and handed over the camcorder to Karen who was doing her thesis with her groupmates.

I went out of the building and decided to buy milk tea before I went home. From a distance, a heap of black smoke caught the attention of everyone - its blackness bracing the enthusiasm even of those who did not intend to glance at the sky. While sipping my milk tea, sounds of loud explosions resonated. "It must have come from the fire," I thought. True enough, Ma'am AA's assumption regarding its proximity to our school seemed probable.

Not until I saw the fire's exact location: not in P. Noval, neither in España. It was in Recto, Sta. Cruz - about 6 blocks away from our school's location - if my approximation served me right.

Upon approaching the big heap of smoke which had gone bigger as I went nearer (which apparently had pyres thrown into the sky) thoughts domineered my mind:

• When something "big" (may it be a news, phenomenon, fact or any piece of information) is in the offing, however distant you are from it, you will still feel affected. It will appear as big as it can be;
• Fires as big as this start from a small spark. And so you better be careful, because something done with a blot of negligence and ignorance can cause damage beyond one's imagination;
• With the Christmas day counting the last days before its coming, how do the families feel? I feel not only sadness, but frustration and loss, for them.

I came home and shared the news to Mama. "Ang laki ng sunog sa Recto," I uttered. "Ah, siguro yun yung nakita ko kanina sa rooftop!?" Mama answered. Our home was in Pasay, the fire was in Sta. Cruz. A couple of minutes later, Gretchen Malalad appeared on the TV, reporting about the fire. "... na nagsimula mula sa isang rice cooker," Malalad reported. "...Pero ang mahalaga, magkakasama pa rin kami at ligtas," one of the fire victims cried out upon being asked what he felt.

The fire appeared very visible even from a remarkable distance, and had come from a wrong use of electrically-operated appliance. But at the very least, the victims had felt gratitude for being saved from the tragedy - and being together still in the upcoming Christmas Day.

Lights All Around

I go out of our house with the sun peeking at the morning clouds. It kisses my cheeks good luck as I walk my way towards school – each careful step signifying a mixture of fear and excitement for whatever might happen in the day. One, a fulfillment of the goals that are set for the day. Two, failing to accomplish what I, myself, have mandated myself to do. Either way, I will survive – but a matter of happiness or frustration will be the difference between the former and the latter.

I go out of our house with the first rays of the sun kissing my cheeks. A gentle shine, a mild heat. It’s December, the melting Siberian ice makes the season more lovable to me. The temperature drops at 22 degrees Celsius; my energy increases further. I am excited for whatever may transpire during the day. Because I, myself, have chosen where I want to go. Where I would be going. Where I am headed to.

While I am riding the LRT, the sun slowly stretches its rays from the stratocumulus, extending to the north, east, south, west. At seven in the morning, lights are everywhere – the sun is shining brightly. The luster awakens every drowsy eyes and abated soul. Officially, it’s morning. Another night has ended, another day has begun. Today begins.

Things gradually unfold itself. A bit of control, a careful opinion, lots of patience, and a bunch of passion. The sun hides itself once again from the stratocumulus, its arm of shining rays condensing from the north, east, south, west. But as the sun shrinks, lights are illumined. Light bulbs. Gas lights. Car lights. Fluorescent lights. Christmas lights.

I walk towards where I am headed to, from where I have destined myself to be. Traversing the catwalk, I see the beauty of the façade of our university. The sun that illumines the day has been replicated on it – and has multiplied. The stars on the sky have gone down everywhere – sparkling and splendid. Wreaths are hanged as well – and beautifully lighted.

Countless stars shining, suns beaming, wreaths burnishing. In the hindsight, you can feel the magnificence that these lights radiate. What a splendor.

I ride the FX and gaze towards the façade, the surroundings. I am happy. The view seems to be more beautiful from afar. Now, what I see are no longer stars, suns and wreaths. But lights scattered all around. Oh, I still see stars. But now, hanging on trees – as if meteor showers have permanently painted shafts of light to a height reachable by men. The night is so bright. Lights are beauty.

In the beginning, there is light. In the end, there is still light. Lights all over, lights all around.

---

Yesterday: Completion of survey for Thesis in accountancy. Taping for TOMCAT's Lunchbox. Debate Training with my fellow Rhetoricians. Yesterday's happy, shalala :)

The Funeral of the Public Treasury

Those are our money – shelved meters deep into the soil of Sharrif Aguak, Maguindanao.

With the discovery of the high-powered firearms in the same area where the “truly magnificent” (speak with a tone of sarcasm) event happened two weeks ago, I have been left thinking: Filipinos’ taxes go to the government for military and police expenses, as well as to the funding of the salaries of the government officials. I would like to assume that there are other notable projects which the government has been doing – though barely evident, if NOT REALLY evident. But on the context of the present occurrence which has terminated the Philippines’ positive value depiction in the international limelight (defaming the land of Charice, Arnel Pineda, Pacman and Peñaflorida), it seems like the money entrusted by the Filipinos to their government – for the betterment of the country – is buried meters deep in the soils of our land.

Worse, buried hundred thousand meters deep in the pockets of the politicians.

While stomachs of hard-working people screech in hunger, rifles and guns bang as people full (and fool) of power simply vomit what has been left of them. While people suffer the wrath of calamity because of perilous houses and die after failing to survive the strong currents of floodwater and mud, ammunition have been sheltered safe and sound inside the homes of the powerful to be used for “future” plans. “Future” in terms of general welfare would be utterly plausible, just as the electorate have voted upon those in position to protect and promote public safety, health, morals and policy. But the “future” which has ever been so self-centered and private – falling short in providing good shelter to the “unhomed” – is condemnable.

And there is our money, in the soils of Maguindanao. In the pockets of the politicians.

I have loved our country because of our unrelenting efforts to fight against foreign domination. This is our land, we have claimed our freedom, we have asserted sovereignty and have owned a rich archipelago. We have constructed military forces and police reinforcements to protect what we have fought for in the course of our “periodized” history. We have created a system, have adopted a good ideology in governance, and have crafted the “Philippine Republic” to represent each and every Filipino people, bearing in mind our well-being, safety and protection. What a promising plot for another box office hit. But this becomes a flap as the system fails because of the powerful wanting to be more powerful – and working out to be the MOST powerful – manipulates the system.

The taxes that the Filipinos have been faithfully paying to serve everyone have become the politicians’ tools in retaining power (which, by the way IS NOT THEIRS, but OURS, the Filipino people, if they have forgotten). The military who could have been instruments of peace, and the policemen who could have acted as safeguards against the unjust and the criminals, both have become accomplices in the crime (add “s” for unexposed cases of salvage, and the extrajudicial killings that have ever been rampant). The firearms which could have been used to paralyze evil doers have been become evil in itself because of the motives of those who have used it. The bloodline of the government for state survival has become the tool for bloodshed to eliminate Filipino citizens wanting to preserve the republic – our democracy, our country. The “future” that speaks of public welfare, not of private, self-centered ones.

We have funded the rifles, guns and ammunition that have been used in terminating the lives of lawyers whose core goal is to protect their clients and argue for our rights in the middle of abuses in the hindsight. We have subsidized the backhoe that has dug the last abode of the journalists who have ever been risking lives in delivering accounts to the mass awaiting for updates about the practice of democracy. We have paid for the criminals who have killed the civilians whose innocent presence has been very timely for the kiss of death. We have rewarded the brainchildren of the crime with both the capital and manpower to commit a crime against the state – AGAINST US. From the highest paid criminal who has faced his victims before shooting, raping and stabbing them to death, up to the lowest paid ones who have obeyed the orders of their masters – we have all been sponsors of their poorly lived lives.

The criminals have – without any mark of conscience - taken away 57 lives, 57 liberties, and 57 rights. All of us, as well, have been ripped off our lives, liberties and rights. Because the 57 victims represent each and every one of us – we who have also trusted the government, paid them a fair share of our hardly-earned money, and have relegated to them the seat of power (which now, they truly have forgotten, is not really theirs). We have been killing ourselves because of the wrong “representatives” that we have posited in our precious democratic and republican government – sipping the blood of the once-praised, Philippine democratic system.

Then we ask where our money is.

Haven't we acted upon rightly against the embalming of the public treasures and properties by the country's “professional” embalmers? Haven’t we been vigilant enough to notice that the funeral of our public treasury has long been overdue? A big NO whirs in the land where one of the greatest massacres on earth have been made.

Where is our money?

There, shelved meters deep into the soil of Maguindanao – the surface thereon lies the gravestone of our liberty. Everywhere, buried hundred thousand meters deep in multiple password-locked vaults and multi-pocketed wallets of the politicians.

My Poem

Hide your feelings in letters.
Expose your sentiments in words.
Breathe the air of Art.

Believe in your dreams.
Think of good things.
Listen to your heart.

This is the Story that I have always Wanted to Tell

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

I have been busy drawing lines on the manila paper as I write the program for our tasked concert. I hear the footsteps of the talents walking past behind me. Tik-tok-plok. Right to left, they go back to where they have come from. Left to right, they proceed to the stage area where they are expected to perform.

I write the letters, the words, the phrases: the scratches of the pentel pen screech a sharp, silent sound. They sing the notes, the melodies, the songs: sopranos, altos and bases form a soft, loud sound. The pen's complaint on his smooth tip's collision with the coarse surface of the paper seem to speak aloud, but the passionate singing of the performers overpowers his screeches. Tik-tok-plok. The performers continue to move from left to right, right to left. The show has just begun.

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

I have been busy writing letters on the manila paper for our sequence guide. The performers who have walked from left to right has probably reached the stage, starting to hum the melody of the night. The ambiance slowly transforms into a heavenly-feel. Hmmm... Hmmm.. Hmmm. Starting from a low note, their voices rise to a high note, going back again to a low. They have reached their destination, have begun their performance, and have now exhibited their voice's flexibility to the heeding and viewing public. I continue to write the letters, now with a heavenly feel.

Hmmm... Hmmm.. Hmmm. The melody transports me into a realm beyond what I see to be real - that we call memory. Imagination strikes harshly - sight flashing the past, hearing harkening the lost note, touch vibing the bygone. I continue to write - roman numerals, english words, commas, semi-colons. Periods. I write the last period. The singing of the performers stops, applause proceeds therein. The performers walk again - now from right to left. Accomplishing their performance, they go back to where they have come from.

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

Tik-tok-plok. I hear the thumps of their heels, soles and feet. From the notes that they have sung, memories spring forth. The table where I have laid down the manila paper seems to transform into a pond of illusions. I hear a familiar music, I see a familiar face, I hold a soft hand, I clutch to a firm arm. I respond to words of honesty, sincerity and wisdom. I wait for an additional hour. I dream. I believe.

Someone walked past behind me, humming a melody. Hmmm... Hmmm.. Hmmm.

I love. I fear.

Tik-tok-plok. Another one walks, now in the opposite direction. Another group of performers pace towards the stage. From left to right, they lead their own ways to their destination. The pond has returned to a table.

I love. I lose.

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

That stories simply repeat. But the endings - it can be changed. Depending on from where, to where you walk your way. Depending on the melody you choose to hum.

This is the story that I have always wanted to tell.

Praying Together, Staying Together

We had our family bible study a while ago - after more or less a decade. The last time we had a light yet sincere moment like this was when we still had Lola Cion, one of our departed beloved.

At Tita Ann's home, we gathered, discussing St. John's passage about the poor and the rich. The words said that when all that you had done on earth was to indulge into your material possessions without sharing it with others, you would end up being thrown to the cursed heat of the underworld. The poor who had just picked up the crumbs of bread in front of a rich man's home in order to survive would go to heaven, feeling the comfort of eternal salvation.

At the end of the day, at the end of our world, it would be the vast abyss between the heaven and earth which would separate the followers and the evildoers. The latter would look up the heavens, advertent to the abundance of water that quenched the thirsty - whilst feeling the longing for it to moisten his drying throat.

Mommy (our Lola) shared her "involuntary yet conscious" acts on uttering fallacious statements against the Lord. "Ikaw, bakit mo ako ginaganito? Wala naman akong ginagawang masama. P*t**g *na!" she monologued, arguing that she really had not wanted to say these; however, because of spur of the moment emotions, she would just do so. With a glint of understanding, Tita Ann and Tito Uno consoled and prophesied, "Naiintindihan namin kayo, Ma. Pero hindi naman kayo pinapabayaan ng Diyos e. Sabi nga niya, hindi niya tayo binibigyan ng challenges beyond what we can handle". Adding to their good words, "If He does, He makes a way for us to be able to escape that moment".

Tita Atis burst out into tears, sharing her sentiments on the emancipation of her eldest son (our eldest cousin) due to his live-in with his yet unknown girlfriend. For the pain that she has been experiencing, she has asked sorry to his departed father (our Lolo). Her early marriage could have probably caused a same feeling to him. Nearly all of us who were present shed a tear because of this. This has been unknown to us until today.


P*t**g *na turned Purihin ang Diyos.

Lola Rosa, when asked about what she would just want to share, just bluntly said, "Magbago na sana 'to." Pointing to Mommy, everyone knew what she wanted to say. The P*t**g *na be eliminated, and be altered to Purihin ang Diyos.

Tito Uno, a pastor in their Church and a holy man, led the day's session. Sharing his experiences during the onslaught of Ondoy, we learned that he almost died while on-the-ourdoors during the tragedy, enduring currents and shunning away the call of death. "Sabi ko nga, second life ko na 'to." He felt blessed upon seeing the fighters-turned-victims-and-casualties of the historic catasrophe. "Nanliit ako sa mga nakita kong kalunos-lunos na nangyari sa iba." Amen, thank God we all survived!

Papa was not around because of the mediamen's rally for justice that coincided with this family sharing. Mama did not speak; he would have wanted to share her sentiments with Papa around.

P*t**g *na turned Purihin ang Diyos.

More time with the Lord - with Papa around, together as a family. As it said, "The family that prays together, stays together".