Home Alone

Mama and Jigs went to Auntie Linda's home in Ternate, Cavite, where they decided to stay for a night. They were bound to return tomorrow evening for my brother's class on Monday. I have a debate tomorrow (1st three elimination rounds of AB Debate Series 2010), so I was not able come with them.

Hence, I am home alone tonight.

The Faces of A Girl Home alone

Curious. Answering with a smile. Doing a pout.
Angas look. Bored. Shocked.

**********

Not into American Entertainment

An hour ago, I came home from a dinner with my debate friends - Kuya PM, Darrell, Jamie and Bry. Insisted by Kuya PM, I accompanied them to have a biscuit and candies grocery for tomorrow's debate event. Afterwhich was our dinner at the SM food court in San Lazaro.

While dining, they all talked about American Series - Glee and Heroes - as well as American talk shows in the likes of Letterman, Lenon and Conan. I sat there, smiling and listening to what they were all talking about. I was trying to understand the stories and issues they were discussing. With full honesty, I have never been an avid fan of American series, so I felt a little off when they were having their interesting conversation.

I was silent while listening to them when Bryan moved toward me and said, "Manood ka na kasi non." I have always wanted to watch Heroes because of its unique plot and characterization. However, I'm just too lazy stare at the computer screen for a long time for a marathon or stroll around Quiapo to scout for DVD copies. So I just replied, "Kapag nanood ako non, hindi na 'ko matutulog." Jamie seconded, "Nood ka na kapag graduate ka na." And we both giggled.

Oh, a deviant I was in terms of common interests of people of my age. I wanted Coelho and Oriah, and I could share so many things about them, as well as about the inspiring interview that we had for our documentary. But when it comes to things like this - American Entertainment, to be precise - I have not been updated, more so not as interested as they have always been.

I went home with Kuya PM who had the same route as mine towards South Manila areas Pasay and Makati. We did not talk about Heroes or Glee; rather, a foreseen ABDP UBE at the La Mesa Eco Park in the upcoming months. There, we had the same level of excitement and interest.

Touching Lives

"During one of the chances that I had to speak, one asked, “Am I disappointed that I did not achieve the dreams that I originally had for myself?” I told them that there are other dreams to be made, there are there are other things to be accomplished. It doesn’t mean that if you fail to make your original dreams a reality then it’s the end of the world. You need to learn to dream other dreams and you need to reach for other things. We can’t all be Manny Paquiao or whatever, we can be other things. You just have to dream other dreams, have a positive attitude towards life. Be the best that you can be and always be good to people regardless of your situation in life, it’s no excuse not be good to other people. You just have to be kind and fair."

- Dickoy, during our interview for Too Rare to be Noticed: A Documentary on Orphan Disorders

Think of someone who has touched your heart dearly on your first conversation. Who seems to have many good things to say - nothing else but good and true. Full of positivism and hope. Who has undergone challenges, but tightly grips onto his Faith. Who loves life, that's why Life is loving him back.

Who has walked places - inside people's soul whom he has touched and moved.

I think of Dickoy. Dickoy is such a man. Inspiring, captivating.

I heart Dickoy :)

In a Pressure Cooker

We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly while embracing each other.

~ Lucian de Croszonza

**********

Patience. Compassion. Love. We will get through. This is done for an added cause.

All costs are worth it.

Debate to go

On Debate Instincts

Jam: Ayaw ko na magdebate kase feeling ko wala nang time. But i dunno why I can't leave debating. Kahit sa huling time na to.

Bryan Virtudes: Haha.. oo nga. Ako rin. Ganun talaga pag mahal ang isang bagay

Jam: You know what, natatakot ako mag-debate ulet. Sa dials. Pressure. Kinakabahan ako.

Bryan Virtudes: Okay lang yan. Like I always say kay joy. Just trust your debate instict (dahil hindi xa nawawala).

Jam: I'm losing my instict. Puro brain na lang pinaagana ko. I need to regain it.

Bryan Virtudes: Don't worry, nandyan lang yan.. Kailangan lang ng konting speech exercise and okay na.

Bryan Virtudes: Being Ab may malawak tayong logic at analysis. At given na we were trained by the best lalabas at lalabas din yan.

jam: I always think of Kuya JC and Ate Grace. They're great train0rs.

**********

On Debate Passion

Jam: Minsan i regret not continuing tdc. Madalas nga

Bryan Virtudes: Anu ka ba... Joy did notjoin tdc pero she is really really good... Hindi yan sa sinasalihang bagay. Nakikita ang kagalingan sa kung gano mo ka passionate idedefend and stand mo... Kailngan lang maging cool with everything..

To debate on the next four Sundays: for AB Debate Series and for Dialectics. Whew.

Inspired

Celine and I rode a Greenstar bus en route to Quiapo on our way back to school after our shooting in Greenhills. I got asleep during the trip, when Celine woke me up somewhere along Legarda and told me, "Jam, malapit na." I worked out to regain my consciousness while looking at the streets that our bus was treading on.

"Baba na tayo dito," Celine said. I refused at first because we were expecting to be dropped at UST, telling to the conductor on the onset that we were heading to UST. "Ayan na yung SM o, baba na tayo dito." In Celine's insistence, we got off the bus.

Celine motioned towards the front of the bus and checked at its sign board, "Pucha, pabalik na palang Cainta 'to e." I felt a mixture of fun and fear. "O? Mapapapunta tayo sa Rizal ng hindi oras e!" I answered.

I was thinking: what we would do if Celine did not know the route of the bus that was about to go back to Rizal. What if we did not got off as early as did? What if Celine also did not know our location like I did?

Funny. We were about to go to Cainta by accident.

**********

Had the second day of shooting for our documentary in Goldland Plaza, Greenhills. Interviewed "Dikoy", Mrs. Magdaraong's son who has productively survived "Pompei disease", a kind of "orphan" disorder.

Words inspire and move hearts and minds. What a power.

Deeply moved. I heart :)

Oh, hindi ka sumama sa Japan?!

"Oh, hindi ka sumama sa Japan?!" I've heard this many times all throughout the day. My friends and fellow Kittens has just gone off to Japan this morning for the dCATCH 2010. Having been with them from Bangkok last year for dCATCH '09, it seems like people have treated us as a package when going from one place to another - within the TOMCAT context.

"Mahal e," I would answer. Tantamount to my more direct, succinct and concise answer: Wala akong pera. Then flashing a gentle smile.

**********

This morning, Judy texted me a sweet message while they were aboard their flight to Narita. I wish I were there, too. I want to feel the coldness that's 10x than what you have expected :) I miss youuuuu! Wado, Karen, Margo, too :)

**********

I will also be going there. Japan, see you in a coming April, where I can see your Mt.Fuji turn red and your Cherry Blossom Trees bloom their pink blossoms :)

**********

Tired. Had a shoot in Imus, Cavite for our documentary in Film Production.

Make me write. I'll go for directing now (except for Live). But not with rendering and digitizing. Oh, no. I'm impatient with things I don't have control over. Such a stress.

There's always some reason to feel not good enough.
And it's hard at the end of the day.

I want to be in the arms of an angel.
And find some comfort there.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Oriah, The Invitation

When a Light cast upon a Room of Darkness

January 22, 2010.

I learned something that made me thankful for what happened on December 18, 2008. And regretted a quarter of me that mourned for a loss which I thought was truly worth mourning for. BUT IT WAS NOT.

But no room for regrets, for the inexplicable feeling of contentment and gratitude impeccably outweigh those regrets.

Truly, Prayers - both answered and unanswered - are all heard.

Indeed, when one door closes, windows would eventually open. And the windows that have opened: more than the worth of the door that has unexpectedly closed.

When you are bitter, admit that you are. Compassion would always stay in your heart, but a lingering pain could never be denied. Just feel it. Eventually, your compassion would dawn upon you, giving you hope for the bitterness to fade. Then slowly, but surely, it will fade.

IT JUST DID.

But now, I don't want connections. Any, I guess. I have forgiven - long ago. But forget? I could not find it in my definition of terms.

Because forgiving is letting down of your compassion, but forgetting is foregoing of the lessons.

I don't want to forget, because lessons would always stay. Not anguish. Not pain. Not bitterness. But the lessons. Yes, the lessons.

What a small world it is. And what a tricky play of our self-manipulated cards.

God does not play dice on our lives, but He does integrate all our dice in order for us to meet, greet, play, eat, speak with people with whom He knows we would benefit from. God does not give us the people we want. Instead, He gives us the people we need: to teach us, to hurt us, to love us, and to make us exactly the way we should be.

It's interdependence. A give-and-take relationship. A two-way process. And supposedly, a vicious cycle, if the purpose is to remain with it forever.

Life is not a game of plain, uncontrollable chances. It's a game of making choices vis-a-vis taking chances.

And moving on and letting go.

Of forgiving. But not forgetting.

Of closing doors. And mending ways.

The Mañana Habit: A Dialogue of Two Jam's

Sometimes, you become more productive when a seemingly endless list of to do's is in front of you. But if you only have one bullet to cross out given a relatively longer span of time to accomplish it, the Mañana Habit wallops your drive to do things, thinking, "I still have later, tonight. If not, tomorrow. Why bother?"

For the two days of no class day for our college (for AB professors retreat) plus another day of really no class day for our block, I was all at home. Hence, I asked myself, "Why bother?"

One to do list to cross out:

• Review for Prelims in Media Law (exam schedule on Monday, January 25)

MONDAY (January 18)
Lazy Jam: "Why bother?"
Dilligent Jam: "Why bother? It's media law. You should bother!"
Lazy Jam: "I still have tomorrow. Or later, I'll review it."

TUESDAY (January 19)
Lazy Jam: "Why bother?"
Dilligent Jam: "Why bother? It's media law. You should bother!"
Lazy Jam: "I still have tomorrow. Or later, I'll review it."

WEDNESDAY (January 20)
Lazy Jam: "Why bother?"
Dilligent Jam: "Why bother? It's media law. You should bother!"
Lazy Jam: "I still have tomorrow. Or later, I'll review it. IT'S STILL ON MONDAY!!!! I STILL HAVE THE WEEKEND!"

There, the Mañana Habit. Thursday passed, an errand for our Film Production Documentary has been attended to.

FRIDAY, AFTER CLASSES (January 21)
Lazy Jam: "Why bother?"
Dilligent Jam: "Why bother? It's media law. You should bother!"
Lazy Jam: "Promise, I'll start later."

Still, the Mañana Habit.

The Rainbow and the Sunset

Expecting it from the foggy and dark clouds in the days that passed, it rained this afternoon. After the rain, with Fita and peanut butter in both hands, I went up to our rooftop to have my snacks. To my delight, I spotted a rainbow from my right.

And to my left was a beautiful sunset.

There's a rainbow always after the rain. :)

Google Quote of the Moment

Don't listen to those who say, "It's not done that way." Maybe it's not, but maybe you will.

Don't listen to those who say, "You're taking too big a chance." Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today.

Most importantly, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, "They're all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…." I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respect.

- Neil Simon

Lost in Chatuchak

The mild heat of the midday sun and the combined noise of people talking from afar made me remember the day when I was lost in Chatuchak.

On our last day in Bangkok, we went to Chatuchak, the city's tinagge-an tantamount to the Philippines' Divisoria, Greenhills and Baclaran, to buy stuffs before heading to the farewell party in the upcoming night. Various cheap products were sold all around the place. At first, we (dCATCH Pinoys) were walking side-by-side. Until we accidentally parted "shopping ways" because of the differences of our preferences in things to be bought.

I was walking a meter away from Ma'am Faye looking at the stuffs, when a cute tokong (with a big ribbon cloth belt) caught my attention. Drawn by its uniqueness (which was rare in the Philippines), I headed towards the stall where various colors and styles of this kind could be found. I partly drifted from Ma'am Faye, thinking that I would not be too far from where she was.

I delved into the piles of bottom-wears, scrutinizing every color and design that each had. I tested whether well-designed ones fit me well through placing the hipline around my neck. Having been so indulged into the tokong(s), I forgot that I was all alone in the stall - with no other fellow whom I know. I stepped out to check Ma'am Faye who I badly wished was still at the same place where we parted, but she was gone. I looked around - back, front, left right alleys - but all I saw were strange faces. Feeling a tinge of panic, I left the store at once, telling the hospitable sellers that I would go back to buy the item that I had liked.

I tried to sense Ma'am Faye's resounding voice, assuming and hoping that she was joking or talking or blabbering with fellow Pinoys. I probed every pathway and carefully studied the huge colored map that we got before dislodging from the subway, attempting to find a way out of the place. Going forward: Section 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20. Going right: Section 20, 18, 16, 14, 12, 10. Textiles and decors, Inexpensive jeans, clothes... It seemed like I was just marching to and fro the same location where I came from. Confused and feared, I looked at every face I crossed path with, hoping that any of them were my fellow. Unfortunately, I did not find even a shadow of someone who knew how to speak my language. I was lost - a cast-away in a far-out marketplace.

Kalma, Jam. Kalma. What else could a stranger do in a place new to her? The only thing that I thought of doing was to make the most out of it - explore the place, converse with new people, and make the experience a significant mark of our BKK trip. Hence, I gripped tightly onto the map I was holding and strutted to the alleyways of one of the biggest marketplace in Bangkok.

Well-aware of the agreed time of returning to our hotel, I strolled around the place. I entered several booths and bargained for cheaper prices for items I have been interested to buy. "How much? 200 baht? How about 150 baht?" I bought a shirt for myself as well as for my brother, and a sarong. With limited budget left, I further promenaded the place which evolved into a rather interesting adventure. Midday was fast approaching; the district was becoming populated.

I was looking at the Thai silk cloths and shawls when I sensed a familiar face from my peripheral. Turning back, I saw Wado looking at the Thai shirts laid on the big table. Not far from him were Megi and Cookai. Approaching them, I exclaimed, "Oi, buti nakita ko kayo! Nawala ako!". To which they responded, "Kami din!"

It was a "perplexingly awesome" experience to be lost in a place where you were a complete stranger to. One, you would fear of not being able to come home because it was a new place in a different country with a distinct language. Two (sort of an irony of the former), you would feel overwhelmed by the "new-ness" of everything around. Probably, that was the essence of being a tourist of another country, or any new place for that matter. You could never get away with the feeling of excitement amidst the adventure that you were faced with - alone in a new place with no other friend than a colored map. Being skilled in speaking English was a huge help - not only could you ask for directions, but you could also ask for lower prices of items! Truly, this experience was one-of-a-kind.

The sun has come up a little farther as the hands of the clock approached midday. During this time, one day in Chatuchak, I was lost - exploring new places, conversing with new people, and enriching an experience. As I felt the worsening heat of the sun, I recounted that experience. Indeed, some seemingly unimportant things could make you remember significant events in your life. Like the heat of the sun that has increased as I finished writing this, and the loudening voices of the people around.

*Midday of January 16, 2010, UST Quadricentennial Square

With-In

A voice inside that wants to be heard
amidst the noise outside.
Stifled yet persistent
to speak, to be heard.
What do thou want to say?
How do I hear thou?
How do I open my ears to thou?

Silence is a friend that never betrays.
In silence, I let thou speak.

---

How do you keep the music playing?

Soothingly, Sarah Mclachlan

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there.

---

I'm loving the music of Sarah Mclachlan. I've never been a fan of i-pods and mp3's . But now, I want an i-pod. I want her songs always on-play. I want!

You're in the arms of an angel. Such sweet, heavenly music.

"Me Time" made Earlier

"Hindi ko mahanap 'yung book e... Merong isang thesis, kaya lang within the library lang pwede gamitin," the voice on the other line said. Jo called me upon learning that none of the UP theses which I was about to pick-up were unexpectedly available.

"Ha? eh..." I did not know what to respond. I was already on my way to Ortigas where we agreed to meet. "Sorry talaga. Kanina ko pa hinahanap e, naikot ko na 'yung lib, wala talaga," she explained. Realizing her effort considering that she was not a part of our group (it was just our group's favor to her through Anna, our groupmate and her friend), I answered, "Ok lang. Unexpected naman e". Dropping the call after the train went past Guadalupe, I motioned to the door when it opened in Boni station.

Two long queues formed before the ticket booths. I tried to contain my temper and entertained myself with the numerous billboards of various styles and sizes that were omnipresent along EDSA. After ten minutes and so, I reached the booth and got my card back to Taft Avenue.

Originally, I was planning to proceed to MOA to have a "Me Time" stroll after I got the theses. But since I didn't get any, I carried on with my plan - only earlier than I expected. Luckily, I was able to make it just in time for twilight.

Sipping McFloat and writing poems on my phone, I watched how the sun beautifully set. Lights from the other side of the sea opened one by one, orderly forming a line in the purview.

It was a peaceful twilight, after all.

Patience in a Public Restroom

Nakatingin sa metal na tumutunog
kapag nagbubukas ang pinto.
Tok. Tatlong tao pa bago ako.

Nakatingin sa metal na tumutunog
kapag nagbubukas ang pinto.
Tok. Dalawang tao pa bago ako.

Nakatingin sa metal na tumutunog
kapag nagbubukas ang pinto.
Tok. Isa na lang!
- isang tao na lang bago ako.

Tok. Sa wakas ako na ang papasok sa pinto.
Ang tagal ko ding pinigilan ito.

Isang Malayang Musika

Ang sarap pakinggan ng mga hampas ng alon
sa mga naglalakihang bato.
Isang magandang tinig na walang liriko.
Ang mga sitsit ng tubig ang himig
na gumagawa ng malayang musika.

Ang sarap pakinggan ng isang malayang musika.
Ito'y tutugtog, iyong sasabayan.
Sa pagsabay sa kumpas ng alon, magsasambit ng mga salita.
Mga salitang magiging liriko ng himig
hanggang mabuo ang isang kanta
- isang malayang musika.

Classical, folk o rock and roll.
ballad, jazz o acoustic.
Luma o bago, malakas o mahina.
Depende sa tunog ng pakikipagbuno
ng mga alon sa mga naglalakihang batong-dagat,
at sa himig ng iyong boses habang uma-aray
o humihiyaw sa init ng buhangin ng buhay.

Isang instrumental na himig - ang pagsitsit ng mga alon.
Isang a capella - ang liriko ng iyong kanta.
Ang paghahalo ng dalawa
- isang perpektong musika.
Nagmumula sa kalikasan at sa kaisipan.

Ang sarap pakinggan ng isang kanta.
Ang hampas ng alon, ang kapayapaan na dala
ng himig ng iyong musika.
Ang tinig kasabay ng pagsambit,
ang malayang pagkanta
- isang malayang musika.

*Photo taken June 12, 2009 at San Miguel by the Bay, SM Mall of Asia

The World at Six O'Clock

The moment I climbed the mezzanine and glanced at the sea inches away from me, calmness engulfed the surroundings. Seawater gently lapped onto big chunks of rock separating the land from the sea. Birds played with the water - a fleet hopping on the surface in unison and disappearing at once. Fishes frolicked underneath, creating an illusion of raindrops on the surface. And the wind was blowing gently, spewing the last ice-cold feel of air before summer.

The bird flying against a backdrop of sunset formed a locomotive silhouette in the sky. And the sun caused the heaven to bleed as it retreated to its home.

The sea laid like a dark blue mantle of unending length. And the land where I was seated marked the end of the sky that spanned a hundred billion mile.

What a beautiful sight. How vast the world has been. What a splendor.


*Photo taken June 12, 2009 at San Miguel by the Bay, SM Mall of Asia

I Live in a World that I Do Not See

I was seated beside a man donned in decent white polo, black slacks, and leather shoes. The music was playing loudly outside - its lively mood resonated to the room where I was in. The man was silent, but his feet was going up and down to the beat of the music.

He got his phone from his pocket. He clicked on a button and maneuvered it towards his right hear. He did not look at the phone's screen; he simply listened to whatever was being uttered from it.

He returned the phone to his pocket. His feet continued to thump to the beat of the music. Until a woman in a more decent look delivered another woman with the most decent look amongst them. The latter seemed to be discomforted by, probably, a cramp in one of the parts of her body.

The man got up at once; the woman handed over to him sat down to his seat. He started to stroke her arms, up to the shoulders, down to her back.

I was in a massage center of blind people. The man seated beside me - now sturdily standing - was blind.

He continued to gently rub the woman's body. The thumps of his feet were replaced by the up-and-down movement of his fingers, hands and arms. But the music continued to play.

He checked his phone again - but did not look at it as usual. He listened to what it was saying. It continued to emit waves which served as a substitute for his lost sense.

I thought, "I live in a world that I don't see." Beyond what my eyes could perceive were bantam sounds deemed giant and intense - above all, significant - by the blind. Which, more often than not, would not be minded by the people who could see.

My phone rang, but I did not get it at once. The music stopped, but I was not at all affected.

Whereas, the blind man - and others in decent white polo, black slacks, and leather shoes - paused in a second or so when the music came to a halt.

Truly, I live in a world that I do not see.

---

Had a happy Sunday with Mama, Papa and Jigs. Heard Mass, had lunch, then went to Hypermart to buy some stuffs for the house.

Afterwhich, we headed towards Harrison Plaza where Mama had a massage at the massage center of the blind. It was where I made my writing above, saving it as a draft message of three parts in my phone.

It was a fun Sunday! Thanks, Papa God! :) Hope everyone had a good weekend in the start of the second week of January.

I miss dancing. Will I ever gonna dance again?

On Monday, we're gonna do Spice Girls' "Stop" for our Film Production class. Haha. :D

PHOTOSHOP Update: Marunong na ako! Yey! Basics. More to learn! :)

From Bond Paper to Computer Window

Ignorance of technology limits actions. Unwillingness to learn discriminates. Acquainting with new technologies is a necessity (Catapusan, 2010).

Trying the difficult way of drawing: from oil pastels in illustration boards to layers and image adjustments in adobe photoshop window tabs.

I am not at good at this. I don't even know how to do this. Pero go lang! :))

The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

~ Maulana Jalalu'ddin Rumi

At the Rooftop

The orange afternoon sky slowly turned black with scattered shades of red as the dusk of the second day of January came. Stars hid behind the dark red clouds, but the bright, round moon shone brightly in the sky.

Tables and chairs were orderly placed at the relatively broad space where we usually gather for occasions. On top of a long table were food which signify a culture of simplicity, sweetness and an appraisal for long life. Beside it was a videoke player with two microphones attached, patched to a television and two stereo speakers.

People started to laboriously go up to the broad space where one could beautifully sight the silhouettes and traces of Makati's tall structures kilometers away from the place. Music tuned up the mood to a joyous one; voices of children, teenagers, elders and eldests resonate from the microphone that produced melodies - whether out of tune or not.

A mum of prayer opened the night which bonded families together - some where from distant places, others only stairs away. At the rooftop, we recreated our family - and created a memory that significantly marked the start of our year.

---

Welcoming 2010 Holiday Party

Cousins Sam, Kate and Niquee

Team Jinky doing a Lady Gaga-Rihanna Duo

Silhouettes of the boys of Team Manny dressed as girls,
dancing to a Vhong Navarro medley

Team Krista's fronts emulating Jabawockees
with girls behind swathed in full-body coats

The Family after the program

Blessed be 2010

I guess there's no better way to celebrate New Year than spending it with your family.

A Blessed New Year! For all the wonderful things in the world, to God be the glory!